I was speaking with Miss Crystal after the Aaron Kelly incident. I asked about the use of pain in BDSM and she explained.
“There are a lot of tools we use to grow along our journey. As we peel off the layers that get down to who we are. Sex is a tool but isn’t one that has to be used. Pain is a tool also. There are many, all with the purpose of helping the submissive and dominant move together toward what each needs. Which is to be exactly what they are, in synergy with one another.
I asked “Yes Miss, but surely someone can be a submissive without being a masochist, and vice versa?”
“Well yes and no. Not all like pain that’s true. Nor humiliation. But both are valid tools to push in certain directions. And properly applied, certain kinds of pain can actually produce pleasure. Even in those who don’t like pain much. When I am a sub I am not a fan of humiliation for the most part. But there are times when it’s been used to great effect to push a barrier for me that I needed pushed.”
“OK Miss. I guess I've got a theory that DS is different to SM. But that isn't really important now. I understand what you are saying.”
“Well BDSM is primarily a tool for use with D/s. the old definition of BDSM was Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism. But now it’s more commonly Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, Sado Masochism. Why is complicated. But most Doms view those things as tools with which to help their sub.”
“ OK Miss, I think I'm understanding better. I met a woman once that just really really liked pain. She orgasmed when she was being tattooed.”
“Ahh I see. Well yes she's what they refer to as a Pain Slut. They really get off on that. When no, most submissives wouldn’t.”
“But it is just extremes on a continuum Miss?”
“Yes it is. One of the things I employ and have for years is using a simple rubber band. Therapists use it. You put a sort of wide but loose rubber band around one of your wrists. And each time you have a specific type of thought, you snap it. Eventually you train yourself not to think that way.”
“What type of thought Miss?”
“Well for some its negative self talk. It can be wanting a cigarette if you're trying to quit. It can be feeling anxious. Or jealous. Or angry. Or worried.”
“ Pavlovian conditioning?”
“Precisely.”
“And it really works?”
“It works. Snap it hard. Pavlov was a smart guy.”
“And how do you explain it to your work colleagues Miss?”
“It’s a rubber band on your wrist. Not that weird.”
“The snapping!”
“Well don’t do that where they can see. The ladies room if you must. Under the desk. Stick your hand in your purse... Get creative. And try to only tackle one thing at a time. As with anything, overuse doesn’t work. So tackle ... let’s say an urge to eat between meals. Also, keep in mind that it takes 2 weeks to instil a new habit. So what i recommend is doing something like this with one thought in focus for a week, then adding a second. That way every week you are progressing on something that you can see. So yes, there's pain and for a purpose. But ... when you snap it ... notice how the sting turns to heat. If you massage it gently with fingertips ... no rubbing just touch and don’t lift up. You’ll see that heat actually begin to feel nice. Which is a start in understanding how endorphins - the body's natural painkillers – work.”
It took me almost a day before I started wearing my rubber band. That day consisted of my naïve “Trevor project”. The first band that I chose was wide and thick. It gave a lovely “swack” when I snapped it. It was fascinating that the pain didn’t appear straight away, but maybe a second after the sound. And then a few seconds late a beautiful red welt would appear. I loved that rubber band!
But alas it was too big for me. Like a belt that just can’t be resized small enough to fit. I woke up in the morning, made a cup of coffee and the band was gone … fallen off in my sleep.
My new band is thinner. The pain is different, and more immediate. Stretched back enough it gives a good long-lasting sting. I wore it to the office today. It is comforting just to wear it, even though I didn’t use it until I got home again.
When first I started using my band I just enjoyed the sensation. I felt a little guilty – I wasn’t giving up smoking, losing weight or making myself a better person. I wondered what Miss Crystal would think of such a frivolous use of her gift. But that was OK, I’d give myself a couple of days to get used to the band, and then work out what to use it for. And gradually I realised. The sensation of the band hitting my skin, the brief flash of pain, it made me happy!
